My daughter doesn’t hate baths, in fact she toddles around the house saying ‘ba, ba, ba’ when she hears the tub filling up. But she’s never loved being washed (hair or otherwise) and I’m sensing that her aversion may be growing stronger. I’ve heard enough horror stories about bath-time battles from parents (including my own) to know that I want to nip this issue in the bud. But where to start?
photo credit: Nathan Stamper
What it looks like: Responses can vary greatly. Child may simply whine or say ‘no’ when bath time comes around or she may happily enter the bath but cry when water is poured over her head. If the fear and trauma are really deep she may scream, hold her breath and even vomit at the mere suggestion of a bath.
Mistaken for: Irrational fear of a simple and necessary routine.
What child is learning:
IF a child is forced (fears are either dismissed or not acknowledged) into a bath when she has made it clear that this is NOT something she’s okay with…
- her fears may deepen
- she will certainly lose some trust in the adult who is forcing her in
- she may lose confidence in the validity of her own feelings
- bath time will be very stressful for everyone
IF a child is not forced into a bath before she is ready (fears are acknowledged and she is supported to work through them)…
- her fears will likely heal
- she will develop more trust in the adult who is respecting her fears
- she will learn that her feelings are valid
- she will learn how to cope with fearful situations
How to support: One of the first things to do in ANY situation where a child is refusing is to reassess your priorities. There are certain times when you need to stick to your guns (I won’t let you hit. It’s time to sleep now. We need to go and pick up your brother.) but it’s easy to lengthen the list of these times unnecessarily (You must say please. You can’t get your trousers dirty. You need to share that toy.) It does not undermine your authority to change your boundaries, as long as you’re doing it because you think it’s right and not because you want to avoid confrontation. So in this case you must decide how important a daily bath really is. Is it right up there with physical safety or could it perhaps come down a notch?
Now this isn’t to say that bathing is completely unimportant and if a child refuses to bathe you should just give up on baths altogether. Surely that would not help, if only because it would teach her to bow to her fears and that’s clearly not what we’re going for. What’s needed instead is a two-fold approach:
- Acknowledge the child’s fear – In my daughter’s case, this means stopping and listening when she says ‘no’. I need to slow down and speak to her about what is happening. I would like you to have a bath now but I hear you saying no. Perhaps I’ve interrupted her focused play? I can see that you’re very focused. I’ll come back in a few minutes and see if you’re ready then. Perhaps she’s upset about the idea of taking off her clothes and being cold? I know that you don’t like it when I take your clothes off and you’re cold. Let’s go to the bathroom where it’s warm and we’ll change you slowly. Perhaps she’s anticipating me pouring water over her head and it getting in her eyes? I think you might be worried about getting water in your eyes. I promise that I won’t pour any water on you without checking with you first. If you’d like, you can pour the water and wash your hair. Will she wash her hair as thoroughly and quickly as I would? No. But what’s more important here, dispelling her fears or perfectly clean hair? Acknowledging fears does not mean indulging them. It doesn’t mean that I take her away from whatever it is she fears but instead support her as she faces it. There are all sorts of reasons children may fear the bath – some suggest it’s an important instinct to keep them from drowning while others have figured out that their child is afraid of going down the drain with the water! Your child’s developmental stage and level of communication will determine how much you’ll be able to understand about his fear. Go ahead and talk to your child to try and find out what is behind the fear but don’t pressure her to come up with an explanation. She may not understand it any better than you but it doesn’t make the fear any less real.
- Support the child to work through her fear – If you’re looking for a way to heal deep trauma I suggest this article. But if, like me, you’re at the prevention stage you’re mostly looking to…
- Slow things down – I’m guilty of trying to solve these problems by moving quickly in an effort to ‘just get it over with’. This backfires. Every time. It’s motivated entirely by my own impatience. Instead, move slowly, explain what you’d like to do before you do it AND THEN WAIT. Allow her time to process what you’ve said and give you permission.
- Rethink your priorities – Is a daily hair wash really necessary? What about a daily bath? Could a sponge bath do the trick until he is feeling more comfortable with the tub?
- Try to give over as much control as possible – Invite him to wash his own hair and body. Bring in a baby doll that he can wash. Carefully explain everything that you do (I’m going to put a wet wash cloth on the back of your head.) and wait for his permission (Is that okay or would you like to do it?) If all else fails, climb into the tub with him and have him wash your hair!
- Don’t put her into the bath until she indicates she’s ready – Choose your battles. I’ve come to realize that regular baths in the tub are not battles I’m willing to fight to the death.
So that’s what I’ve learned about children and baths. Hopefully you find some of it useful. If you have any insights to share I’d love to hear them!
Why Would You Do That? 
This is excellent! Teddy hates to have mucus sucked out of his nose at 3 months old. Do you have any advice for handling that?
Oh yes, Evie’s always hated that. I’d start with having Tyler sneak up on you and suction the snot out of your nose (I’m not kidding…you should actually try this). That should give you a starting point as to what it is that’s most upsetting about the experience. It will certainly help to tell him what you’d like to do, allow him time to process and then wait for his permission (I know he can’t speak but you’re looking for some sign of readiness in his facial expression or body language).
Teddy’s negative reaction can also serve as a cue for you to reevaluate how important it is to get rid of the snot. Personally, I found that Evie’s runny nose bothered me more than it did her and that the ‘snot rocket’ (as we lovingly called it) upset her more than it was worth.
Thanks for your comment…so good to hear from you!
same point applies….is it necessary to suck the mucus out of his nose, every time? perhaps only b4 bed. i’ve never sucked mucus out of my nose or my childs. get a warm washcloth, or take them in steamy bathroom.
I need to read this. My daughter has not been dealing with baths well the last month or so. She is 15 months and normally loved baths, and now there is a lot of screaming and crying. I have tried everything – getting in with her, reverting back to the infant tub, doing a shower – and nothing has helped. She already only gets a bath twice a week, so I don’t know how I can feasibly cut it down further.
I like the idea of bringing a dolly or something into the bath and washing it so she can see that it’s okay.
Thanks for your comment. That’s great that you’ve cut down the number of baths and are willing to try lots of things. One thing that you may already be aware of is to try and let go of any pressure you feel to get her into the bath. She’ll pick up on it sooooo quickly. Would a sponge bath be feasible for a little while?
We tried a baby in the bath just yesterday and that seemed to work well. Evie was very happy to mirror what she’d washed on baby with herself. I was also able to do a bit more because she was so engrossed in washing baby.
Hope it goes well…do let me know how you get on!
Jenna
Perhaps try a small tub (think ice bucket for a party or medium size rubbermaid tub) and fill it just a little. My daughter got over her fear/hate of baths by me bathing with her for a few months. I sang to her in the bath tub. Now we’re at the fun bath tub toy stage.
Have any advice for nail cutting? I don’t like that I do it but I use distraction with various toys. I do talk to her about it and talk to her through it. It’s hard as it’s not a regular routine as it doesn’t need to be done daily.
Letting a child hold a dry wash cloth over their eyes while their chin is tilted up takes away the possibility of water getting their eyes (the washcloth sops up and stray drops). When they are tiny, a parent can use one hand to both cup the back of the child’s head and hold the corners of a wash cloth (folded diagonally).
This is also beautiful for newborns: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPSAgs-exfQ&list=PL11C51EECDB84CAA9
My 2 year-old doesn’t like her hair washed so I only do it when necessary. I find it helps a lot when I talk to her and use very gentle and slow gestures. I say: “slowly, slowly…” as I wet her hair and it seems to calm her down tremendously. She still doesn’t like it but I can see a big difference in her behavior. Thank you for this great article/reminder!
I tell D to look at the circle light so the water won’t get in his eyes. I kind of make a game of it. I tell him I’m going to pour water on his head because I have to to get the soap out of his hair. I also give him a dry washcloth to wipe his eyes whenever any water or soap gets into them. There is also a visor for this on Amazon- I haven’t tried it yet but I’ve thought about it.
Yes, my 18 month old son is currently going through the same phase as well. At one point he would scream every time he saw us running the water. Then I allowed him to bathe our little dogs and the act of bathing the dogs somehow reassured him that bathing is okay and even fun. Slowly he began to love his bath again but hates getting his hair washed. I only wash his hair once a week now. And I agree with the other comments. I usually have to distract him by running the water faucet that he loves to play with while I gently wet and shampoo his hair, being extra careful not to let any water run down his face. When he notices that I’m wetting his hair, I say “Mommy’s being gentle. Very gentle. Gentle…”
My husband and I went away for a weekend and we left our little guy who was 13 mos with my in-laws. I bathed him before leaving because I was afraid DJ could get in their tub as it was deeper than ours. The day we came back we went on with our night routine and when he saw the tub he panicked. I am sure something happened when I was out but I didn’t want to have any argument with my in-law so, I took my clothes off and got in the tub with DJ… and ta-da!!! Next day he was all happy going to his “beach” =)
Thanks for sharing your stories…all great suggestions!